is not

God is an Atheist

God is an Atheist

 

A Novella for Those Who Have Run Out of Time

 

godborder (2)

Strange would be a word that would elevate this novella into the range of comprehension that would allow the reader to relax enough to enjoy some parts of it, but in fact, there is nothing that will shift the burden away from the reader. The world is bent around and around the reader’s mind until either the mind itself begins to bend, or indeed, it breaks. A novel without plot, characters, structure or obvious purpose, it is an endless descent into the netherworlds of a dystopic mind, a novella that could define a generation, but a generation of what and on what planet remains the question. A fresh voice in fiction; unfortunately, also a generally incoherent one which will demand that the reader construct the work’s meaning. If 1,000 monkeys typing endlessly would eventually produce all great works of literature, then God Is an Atheist is their first draft.

A tragicomic romp through religion, spirituality, and the contemporary clash beliefs that holds nothing sacred. Nosirrah provokes just about everyone as he describes a world where God is on the run from Islamic extremists, the Pope announces he shares a bed with Richard Dawkins, and Buddha’s son disappoints by getting enlightened instead of becoming a doctor.

In print: New edition released June 2008 by Sentient Publications
button

 

 

References in the Book

In GIAA Nosirrah uses numerous brain disorder terms, suggesting little difference between these disorders and the common attributes of enlightenment. Nosirrah claims to suffer from most of them, including:

Confabulation is a memory disorder defined as the spontaneous production of false memories: either memories for events which never occurred, or memories of actual events which are displaced in space or time. These memories may be elaborate and detailed. Some may be obviously bizarre, as a memory of a ride in an alien spaceship; others are quite mundane, as a memory of having eggs for breakfast, so that only a close family member can confirm that the memory is in fact false.

Capgras delusion is when people believe their closest friends and family have been replaced with imposters. Note that in Nosirrah’s book “Nothing from Nothing” he refers to Prosopagnosia which is thought to be the reverse of Capgras Delusion. Prosopagnosia is a disorder of face perception where the ability to recognize faces is impaired, while the ability to recognize other objects may be intact. Nosirrah implies that he is diagnosed with Capgras while being studied at Harvard while he self-diagnoses himself with Prosopagnosia in his earlier work ( but is unsure if it is he who has the condition since he cannot recognize his own face). This leads to the possibility that he does not recognize faces and in addition believes that those around him are imposters, adding up to a highly unusual state of consciousness.

Delusional misidentification is an umbrella term for a group of disorders that involve a belief that the identity of a person, object or place has somehow changed or has been altered.

Syndrome of delusional companions is the belief that objects (such as soft toys) are sentient beings

Intermetamorphosis is the belief that people in the environment swap identities with each other whilst maintaining the same appearance.

Clonal pluralization is where a person believes there are multiple copies of him or herself, identical both physically and psychologically

Other references in the book include:

Mega-Dik – Article here considered the most prolific spammer while selling herbal penis size enhancers.

The Bible

TMZ: celebrity gossip site referred to in Nosirrah’s dream about Richard Dawkins and the Pope (see below Dawkins and Pope)

Richard Dawkins: prominent atheist spokesman, author and sociobiologist, known as the “Atheist Rottweiler” (see below Pope)

Pope Benedict XVI: once nicknamed “God’s Rottweiler” (see above, Dawkins and TMZ)

The New Yorker

Joan Osborne: singer songwriter, blues/rock style, Nosirrah refers to song, “What if God were One of Us?”

Neile Donald Walsch: refers to Conversations with God, bestselling book by Walsch. Nosirrah suggests that his contact with God didn’t occur in a Q and A format, although as with all of Nosirrah’s writing it is not entirely clear what he is suggesting by his comments about Neil Walsch.

Hallmark: refers to alternative card company “Tragic Circumstances” (see reference to TC below)

Tragic Circumstances: we need more information on this greeting card publisher, it appears to be the publisher of both macabre but touching greeting cards for those who are dying and apparently the first publisher of Nosirrah’s works, now out of print.

Segway: supposed to revolutionize human transportation but largely ignored.

Samarkand

Sufism

Mickey Mouse

J.K. Rowling

Charlton Heston

Santa Claus

Meister Eckhart

Oprah: As recounted in GIAA, Nosirrah is instructed by God to not appear on Oprah’s show and Nosirrah suggests the proof of God’s contact with him is that to date he has not appeared on Oprah as per God’s instructions. It is unknown whether private meetings have taken place between Nosirrah and Oprah.

Nosirrah claims to have attended the University of Missouri at Columbia and studied under a Professor Daniel Felsenfeld however this cannot be verified and it is possible that this was entirely imagined by Nosirrah.

Mother Teresa

Immanuel Kant

Sir Isaac Newton

Catholic Church

Ken Wilber

Jenn Cleary: American singer/songwriter appears to be active blues type musician, Nosirrah refers to song “Peace in our World” Lyrics to the Song Copyright Jenn Cleary:

” Peace In Our World ”

why can’t there be
peace in our world
I hold out hope
deep down in my soul
why focus on hatred
when it only brings pain to us all
can’t we forgive and move on
before we freefall
why do we fight fire with fire
if it only creates infernos
can’t we find other ways
and stop struggling with our foes
why can’t there …..

Barry Manilow: ” Why is there suffering? Why old age? Why pain? Why Barry Manilow? Why is it set up like this? I turned to God for the answer.”… from GIAAClick Here to visit the Barry Manilow International Fan Club for some answers or just go ahead and buy a Barry Manilow Bobble Head or take it all the way with Barry Manilow ‘Less Music, More Passion’ Boxer Shorts …. Barry turned 65 on June 17, 2008 — Happy Birthday!

Quick Stop: ” God would have none of it. He was hustling me towards the Quick Stop where He was intent on acquiring some Slim Jim Beef Jerky. God, I am sorry to tell all of you vegans, vegetarians, Jains and animal rights folks out there, is an indiscriminate omnivore.” If you are interested in franchise opportunities in the convenience store industry click here and remember that God could be your best customer particularly if you stock Slim Jim Beef Jerky, ConAgra’s No. 1 brand of meat sticks available in a variety of flavors of meat sticks, beef jerky, beef steak, and beef and cheese.

PETA: There is only a passing reference to this organization in GIAA and we will not say anything more since we don’t want to make these people in the least angry, not that we don’t believe in militant action to protect helpless animals whatever it takes and we would never support opposing sites like PetaKillsAnimals.

Jesus 

Shiva 

Kali 

Soylent Green 

Mormons

Happy meals

Mammon 

Scientologists

Super Bowl

Gautama Buddha 

Tricycle

Shambhala Sun

Seinfeld

Salmon Rushdie 

Kafir

Unitarians 

Fatwa

Darfur

George Bush

Britney Spears 

Lindsey Lohan

George Romero

Costco

Target

Ipod

Franz Kafka 

Alice B. Toklas 

Gertrude Stein 

A Hunger Artist

Hari Krishnas

Ramana Maharshi 

Got Milk?

Che Guevara 

Harvard

Capgras Delusion

Thorazine 

Zen

Al Gore

William Henry Harrison

Oscar

Gandhi 

Monsanto 

World Bank

VH1 

Stone Age 

Battle Hymn of the Republic 

Jack Nicholson

Tommie Lee Jones 

Scarlett Johansson

Faye Dunaway

Random House

Entertainment Tonight

John Cage

Einstein 

Larry Byram 

Mayans

Harmonic Convergence

Y2K 

Kevlar

 

Reviews

God as an atheist is like a novelist who doesn’t believe in novels.

So perhaps it’s fitting that N. Nosirrah’s highly amusing and deeply thoughtful God is an Atheist is a novella. Specifically, it’s “a novella for those who have run out of time.”

“This is a story without plot, characters, structure, or obvious purpose,” Nosirrah writes. “If a thousand monkeys typing endlessly would eventually produce all the great works of literature, then this is their first draft.”

Nosirrah isn’t kidding when he says there’s no plot. At the start of the book, he nearly runs God over as He is crossing the street. As way of apology, Nosirrah takes God to a coffeeshop and they talk, although it’s as much of a transcendental encounter as a conversation. Nosirrah calls it “magical existentialism.”
In the exchange, God admits He is an atheist.

The novella is Nosirrah’s account of the encounter, which is really just a flimsy—but very cleverly executed—excuse for the author to talk about big-picture concepts like belief and being. He does it with a court jester’s demeanor, though. The result is a text that reads like the caffeinated love-child of flip stream-of-consciousness and thoughtful wit, raised by lonely mountaintop guru starved for human contact. Nosirrah babbles along merrily, with almost incessant, indomitable charm. Hints of cynicism creep in, but Nosirrah always pulls back from the brink with a good-natured shoulder shrug or, better yet, a smart-ass remark.

For example, he writes: “We decided that our job is to live in the material world, but ultimately to transcend it and realize our connection to God. Once we got that all set up and agreed that the world was like that, then we got down to the real business of fighting each other over our control of resources in the material world and our beliefs about God.”

The book is not intended as a religious or an anti-religious diatribe. There’s plenty to offend believers and nonbelievers alike. But there’s also plenty of thoughtful fodder about the nature of belief itself. There’s also, running as an undercurrent, a sincere appeal to readers to think about what God means to them.

“God speaks in the softest of tones and the harshest of manners. As the all and everything of the universe, He speaks in every form. That’s the rub,” Nosirrah says. “If He would just show up Hollywood style, speak in a Charlton Heston voice, we would find it easy to listen. But He shows up as the constant flow of life itself, in every piece, every quality, in the whole range from ecstasy to calamity. We generally only listen to the part we like, and don’t want to hear the part we don’t like.”

The book never gets much heavier than that. It’s too hipster, too manic, and too self-aware to get too deep—but the book also gives off enough vibes to suggest that this is, indeed, deep stuff if the reader slows down long enough to really dive in for him or herself.

In the meantime, Nosirrah barrels along, pummeling the reader with witty banter, pop culture references, and classical philosophy gussied up as slapstick (picture an apoplectic Immanuel Kant getting red-faced and bug-eyed). God never takes Himself too seriously—and far from being all-knowing and all-powerful, He can’t even place Mother Theresa, although He says He’ll try and Google the name when He gets home.

God is an Atheist is a quick yet provocative read—although whether it provokes thought, anger, or mere annoyance will depend on the reader. Nosirrah is either irresistibly engaging or in dire need of Ritalin. But his whirling dervish style is distinctive and smart. He offers much to think about and much to laugh about, too.

—Chris Mackowski, Scholars & Rogues

There are many good, worthwhile and enlightening books on spirituality available these days, but it’s quite rare to come across one that’s as unique as God Is an Atheist: A novella for those who have run out of time, by N. Nosirrah. To give you a sense of what kind of book this is, let me quote the blurb on the back of the book:

“A profound tragicomic romp through the bizarre landscape of religion, spirituality, and the contemporary clash of cultures of belief, with special attention to the human obsession with knowing what can’t be known. Nosirrah provokes just about everyone as he describes a world where God is on the run from Islamic extremists, the Pope announces he shares a bed with Richard Dawkins, and Buddha’s son disappoints by getting enlightened instead of becoming a doctor.”

God is an Atheist has humor, spiritual inquiry, philosophical conundrums and its own twisted kind of logic all mixed up in a delightful stew that is both nourishing and exciting. It’s a whimsical journey through contemporary spirituality and culture that holds nothing sacred and asks questions that most people probably might not even want answered. Nosirrah’s magnum opus is fresh and original, unpretentious and straightforward, as well as being delightfully free of spiritual mumbo-jumbo. There is a special kind of quality and power to his writing that’s hard to define, and reading this book is likely to leave you convinced that God might just be an atheist after all. Although this book is full of what can best be described as meaningful nonsense, there are also truly profound insights and comments to be found almost on every page. The book is even illustrated, by none other than A. Nosirrah, and while it has to be said that the artwork is on the far side of the naive, and may not be to everybody’s liking, somehow it seems to fit into the text very nicely all the same.

Who is N. Nosirrah? Does he even exist? Does it even matter? He has only the following to say about himself on the back cover of the book:

“N. Nosirrah is an enigmatic writer and philosopher who asks his readers to question their existence, God’s existence and in particular, Nosirrah’s existence.”

And as if that wasn’t enough, he also claims that “Those who understand these writings have no need to meet me, those who do not understand have no reason to meet me, and those who need to meet me have no need to read my writings.”

God is an Atheist is a short book at only 119 pages, but quality wins over quantity every single time, and I for one would choose this little book over many a weighty tome by the celebrated hot shots in today’s spiritual marketplace. In the final analysis, if ever there is one, it might well be that Nosirrah really is not, but he delivers all the same.

—laughingbuddhabooks.com

A good author knows that getting a potential reader’s attention begins with the title. Bookstore shoppers would definitely take notice of the title God is an Atheist by N. Nosirrah.

This is a humorous book about a serious subject – not God, but belief.

The author is the main character, and the book is written in the first person. In real life, not much is publicly known about Nosirrah.

But then, not much is known first-hand about God either. Nosirrah encounters God when he takes a right turn on red at a traffic signal and nearly runs over God.

They end up spending the day together, and in an ensuing dialogue, God reveals that he is basically fed up with belief and has decided to become an atheist. God is an Atheist has the quality of message and teachings found in many spiritual books, but it is also quite funny with Nosirrah’s quirky drawings and self deprecating humor.

There are also some excellent points made in the book. For instance, regarding scientists and their stance toward religion…”none of them will face the fact that they are believers of the worst kind. They believe in science, of course, that is a given. But, more fundamental than that is that they believe in an orderly universe, a lawful universe, and all of their science, all of their belief flows from that one basic belief. Who said the universe is orderly anyway? Isaac Newton started it, but he got the idea from the Catholic Church. Does anyone see the irony of this?”

The purpose of God is an Atheist can be summed up by Nosirrah when he says at one point “God chose me because I do not exist, and because he does not exist, and he wants you to know you do not exist.” Nosirrah also brings up knowing and not knowing. “It is our clutching to the known that makes the impending trip to the unknown so frightening.”

The fun in the book includes referencing and sometimes poking fun of a lot of well known names of people, books, and teachings: Oprah, Eckhart Tolle, Lao Tzu, Gertrude Stein, Islam, Buddha, Mother Teresa, Jesus, the “Secret” Ramana Maharshi. If you felt your diaphragm tighten when you saw any of these names and are ready to take offense to any of this good-natured ribbing, you might want to ask what beliefs you are hanging onto. This book would probably do you the most good. No belief is sacred in God is an Atheist.

Here’s an excerpt with little known information on the Buddha family: “Gautama Buddha…wasn’t the enlightened one, it was his cousin Eddie Buddha. G.Buddha…abandoned his wife and young child in order to pursue his life of renunciation. No bills, no diapers, no more arguments with the wife about watching too much football, or whatever it was they likely bickered about. So he left, renounced everything, and shortly was surrounded by the New Agers of the day who insisted he teach them…He showed them how to give up every responsibility and live a stress free life lounging around…for the benefit of all sentient beings of course. Not surprisingly there were lots of takers, and Buddhism took off.”

Christianity gets bashed in enough places, so I’ll include a quote about Islam: “For God, the infidel is the believer, any believer, in anything, but especially in him. The true jihad- the struggle – is with the nature of belief, that it can latch onto any wacko idea and hold tight, that it can even kill for God, as if God needs help in that area…An Islamic radical is a radical believer, and when it comes right down to it, the believer will destroy God and himself before he lets go of his beliefs.”

Prepare to laugh and have your beliefs shaken out of you in God is an Atheist. The Enlightenment Dudes enjoyed the fresh delivery and the message in this book and give it an 8 out of 10.

—Chapman, EnlightenmentDudes.com

This unusual book is a modern Tristram Shandy—which is to say, it will probably not be wildly popular, except as a word-film in the “cult” section; but its incisive and intelligent wit on matters spiritual and worldly offers a refreshing alternative to most tomes normally found in the genres of fiction, spirituality, autobiography, or philosophy. This book has all of those elements couched in a voice which is at once profoundly irreverent and mystically sound. Fundamentalists beware: the God of this religion brooks no pat description, no belief system, no creed or manifesto except perhaps that of freedom from such limitation, with a healthy dose of comic irony in both concept and conversational delivery.

—Alternative Culture Magazine

If we believe in God, then what does God believe in? God is an Atheist: A Novella for Those who Have Run out of Time is a unique and offbeat story of a homosexual affair between Richard Dawkins and the pope, Islamic extremists hunting down the Christian deity, the family issues of Buddha, and other bizarre events. Sure to enthrall (and possibly perplex) readers, God is an Atheist is a must for anyone looking for a novel on religion with a twist.

—Midwest Book Review

This book is a gavotte of literary styles and daydreams. It compels you to become a partner and leads you to an understanding of God that is beyond belief.

One moment the writing reminds me of the wild-eyed Richard Beymer caught in the fantastic world knot of “contrived identity” in his psychological confession, Impostor.

Next moment a sensible philosophical warrior steps up.

That dynamic between the wild-eyed and the sensible, the wearing of one joker’s shoe and one wingtip, drives the story.

The foam of humor spills over the edges and down the sides.

[I was opening my sixth can of beer when I wrote that.]

In parts the author is freely catching images:
“I had a dream last night (I think it was a dream in any case) and in it I was reading the TMZ.com website where there was an account of Richard Dawkins and the Pope as secret lovers revealed, with photos of the two grinning in bed with their morning cappuccino, apparently listening to Puccini.”

Then there are stories. One of my favorites is the one about Eddie Buddha, the cousin of Gautama Buddha. Eddie was never remembered because he did not leave his wife and kid and renounce the world. He hung around. He went to delis at night with his best buddy. The following paragraph I found warm to the touch. This might reveal something about the writer:

“I wanted a life like Eddie Buddha’s that was clear, straightforward, regular and unfettered by the dogma of belief. I wanted a life that was compelling, which is an interesting word, meaning undeniable, gripping, but I wanted it compelled by truth. Compelling is the force exerted from the future into the past as organized by our mind. There is nothing compelling other than what you actually express, nothing before, nothing after.”

You’ll recognize much of your own foolishness or confabulations, hopefully with humor and peace. Listen:
“There remains this nagging question about the universe as it is, which is something like: ‘Why?’ In the immortal words of the blues queen Jenn Cleary, ‘Why, oh why, can’t there be peace in our world?’

“Why is there suffering? Why old age? Why pain? Why Barry Manilow? Why is it set up like this? I turned to God for an answer.

“God would have none of it. He was hustling me towards a Quick Stop where He was intent on acquiring some Slim Jim Beef Jerky.”

Reading God Is An Atheist might put an end to the endless chewing on beef jerky and bring the reader face to face with Eddie Buddha’s unfettered life, or God’s “none of it.”

This is a work of true madness and mad truth. [Holy jumpin’ Bernadette Roberts, there’s a sound bite if I ever wrote one.]

—Jerry Katz, Nonduality Highlights

Excerpts

I didn’t find this written on a Golden Tablet or by a burning bush. I didn’t fast in the desert or have some kind of revelation. I am not a prophet, a mystic, seer, or anything like that. I am a marginal writer with an irritated editor who works in a publishing company that can’t figure out how to go digital when the old people want books at a deep discount, but made out of paper, and the young people don’t read. My best days as a writer are so far behind me that I was closer to success in my last lifetime than I am to it in the current one.

I didn’t even recognize its importance when I found this scrawled on the door of a toilet stall in the Denver airport: “The religious and atheist are of the same order—believers. One believes in an idea called God, the other believes in an idea called rationality.” Its importance is that it adds an element of foreshadowing to my story that will later be seen as significant, and give my writing the sense of depth and quality, or at least the ambiguity that it might have depth and quality, which will make it worthy of freshman English literature classes.

I started noticing these kinds of messages all around. I saw this graffiti on the brick wall by the post office: “The end of the age of belief is near.” Here I repeat the foreshadowing just in case the earlier one was missed, and to build some tension.

But, back to the story itself.

Believers believe in their beliefs, unbelievers believe in their unbelief, and no one sees beyond the structures of belief itself. It got me thinking about the whole belief game and how we can get so caught up in the content of our belief.

It is better to believe in a compassionate God than to believe in a wrathful one. It is better to believe in Science, rather than to believe in an unprovable deity. It is better to live from Faith than to live from Mind. It is better to proceed from Scripture than to do so from Man’s Laws. It is better to live from the empirical than to live from the religious.

Each of these broad belief systems that we accept then breaks down into multiple belief components. Believer One may be a Christian who believes in Christ and an inerrant Bible. Believer Two may be a Christian who believes in Christ and that the Bible is open to interpretation. These two believers no doubt consider themselves in dispute, when in fact they are in profound agreement: their agreement is that they believe at all.

All of which leads me up to an incident that I will describe as best I can, and entirely subject to my editor’s mostly irrational and random acts of deletion, insertion and otherwise mucking about with my prose. Here it goes, and good luck:

I was talking to God the other night, when He told me something disturbing, and truthfully, somewhat baffling. Now, you probably doubt that I was talking to God, and likely think I was delusional, or talking to myself, and you might be right about that, but as I am trying to explain, in a way I don’t care what you believe, or what I believe for that matter. I only care what God believes, and that is what is so troubling. God told me he is an atheist, he doesn’t believe in himself, he doesn’t believe in belief, and he thinks that all the believing that people get into has caused nothing but problems.

The conversation threw me into a paroxysm of paradox and a quandary of conundrum. I had, after all, spent a great deal of my life seeking the truth of God, the ultimate answer to the meaning of life. Now I had, more by accident than by skill, finally bumped into God himself, more or less walking down the street, and the main message for me was to stop believing, not just in God but in anything and everything. It just didn’t add up. Here was God, in front of me, telling me he didn’t believe in God, he didn’t believe in me, He wasn’t, and neither was I.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a dream last night (I think it was a dream in any case) and in it I was reading theSmokingGun.com where there was an account of Richard Dawkins and the Pope as secret lovers revealed, with photos of the two grinning in bed with their morning cappuccino, apparently listening to Puccini. They couldn’t reveal to the world their illicit love, both careers ruined, and yet they couldn’t live without the intense draw to the intellect and the passion of their belief and anti-belief. It was an erotic dream, I suppose, but not in the usual sense, only in the sense of the union of beliefs into something transcendent.

I awoke with a start, somehow realizing how shocking and inappropriate the imagery was, Richard Dawkins wasn’t the problem, but the Pope should be beyond these kinds of twists of the mind. But in that moment of waking, I saw the beauty of possibility where the two would be forced to admit in a press conference, broadcast live just about everywhere, that they really weren’t sure if they had it right philosophically, that truth is pretty illusive, but that when Richard saw the Pope in the full outfit there was something so clear in the fluttering of the heart. They held hands throughout, and Richard looked radiant, which he never really did as an atheist. The Pope always looked good, but now he looked a little worried, human, even nervous, but happy in that rottweiler kind of way, still ready to go for the throat, but only if you weren’t nice to Richard.

The reporters pushed in for the story, but they couldn’t figure out what to ask once they realized that neither of the two had any beliefs left, just each other and Puccini. I have to apologize for the account of all of this, to the affront to those who find these images insulting or worse, but I do think there is something instructive in the dream world, and in a way it prepared me to meet God.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I mentioned that I ran into God, and it was almost literally so, more like I almost ran over God. You know the feeling when you sit at a complex intersection, you try to turn right-on-red, and there is suddenly a pedestrian almost under your wheels. That was me and God. Usually the pedestrian curses you, slaps your car hood or makes a face suggesting you are a low-life undeserving of substantial insight into the nature of existence. But when I almost ran over God, he didn’t do that. He also didn’t look kindly at me or with forgiveness or beatifically, He didn’t do anything but pause, then return to the curb so I could complete my turn without taking out the Creator of the universe. I figured this guy was different, although I didn’t realized how different, of course, so I pulled over and jumped out to apologize.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My editor wants me to capitalize all the pronouns referencing God, He not he, Him not him, but I am going to ignore her most of the time. My editor would also probably tell me at this point that I am going to lose my readers, I am not putting enough detail into the God character, and the story needs dialog. But, you have to understand that you don’t converse with God like that, it isn’t a dialectical process, not a Q and A or anything like Neil Walsh would have you believe. That would sell better, and in my reveries I have imagined the version that my editor and the book buying public would want.

“How are You, God?”

“Pretty good, how about you?”

“Okay, but something has been bothering me my whole life, and I wonder if You can help me. What is the truth?

“The truth? I don’t think you are ready for it.”

“I have spent my whole life preparing for meeting You, for asking the deepest question I could speak, which is about truth, absolute truth. What is the truth?”

“You are not going to like it, but the truth is your penis is too small.”

“What? That’s the truth? That can’t be right, I don’t mean my penis size, but that can’t be what the truth is.”

“You’re right, but I like to bring that up, no pun intended, because a lot of My income depends on men having that idea. The latest survey I read had it that 55% of men believed that their male members were too small even though most women say they really don’t care about penis size as long as the men bathe occasionally and talk to them intelligently. That is My work, I created that, I had to, otherwise I couldn’t fund My whole operation.”

“What in God’s name are You talking about? What funds? What operation?”

“It’s not cheap being God, talk about entourage issues, security issues, staffing the branch offices and all of that. I have a huge overhead.”

“Don’t the churches, the temples, the mosques take care of that?”

“You don’t get it. Those are the Believers. I don’t want anything to do with that money. I won’t touch it, it’s the only way I can stay free to be Me, you can’t be God without artistic and creative freedom. Anyway they spend most of their money on marketing and building projects, as if that had something to do with Me.”

“So, how do You get your money?”

“That’s what I am trying to tell you, but you’re not listening because you have to pretend you’re a big dick, because deep down you know that your penis is too small.”

“Okay, I’ll listen but, uh, do you think you could do something for me in that size area—you are God after all.”

“Exactly. Penis extenders. That’s how I fund my operation. Penis extenders, pumps, other appliances to make your otherwise too small penis into something of colossal dimensions. I send out over thirty million discrete emails a day, you wouldn’t believe the business I do. It’s the answer to the prayers of the vast majority of men.”

“You! You are the one flooding my email inbox. I don’t believe it. That is the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. You’re telling me that first You convince men that they’re too small where it counts and then You provide appliances to fix it. Why do the women get let off of this scam?”

“They don’t.”

“You mean…”

“Right, weight loss products. Even better than penis extenders. If I weren’t so busy being God I could make a fortune just reinvesting the profits. Do you have any idea what the markup on these products is?” I fell silent, the kind of profound black hole silence in which there is no description that can escape its gravitational pull. There were so many questions I wanted to ask God at that point—like did those devices and ointments work? I suppose the real question was would they work on me. And maybe He could tell me why His spam always sounded like it came from an ESL training course with bad grammar and misspelled words, but that was probably well researched marketing.

Just hours before I had gotten God’s invitation by email, written so touchingly, so directly to the heart of the male psyche that it had seared itself in my memory with its redemptive promise. Titled, “Such a big size that she never felt before,” it went like this:

Dear Customer

Attention: new unequalled preparation will enlarge your phallus. It obtained popularity over the whole world and aided to many people-This is the MegaDik More than 80 000 men in the entire world have already been pleased by the quantity and efficacy of Mega Dik And this is a opportunity for you! Join to them.

I knew now that this, like all things in life, was a direct invitation from God, and a promise that faith upon Him and His works would lengthen my days and strengthen my seed, or something in that general direction.”